Dragonflight, Hollywood Style
by Cke1st
Summary: Many Pern fans keep hoping that their favorite dragon-friendly world will someday become the subject of a good movie. But Hollywood's current trend is to push an agenda, even if it means "taking creative liberties" with the original story, and I'm afraid that a Pern movie would be no exception. This story is rated K-plus; the language is all K.


**Dragonflight, Hollywood Style**

_A/N-_  
_Many Pern fans keep hoping that their favorite dragon-friendly world will someday become the subject of a good movie, now that CGI can render a decent-looking dragon. Be careful what you wish for! Hollywood's current trend is to push an agenda, even if it means "taking creative liberties" with the original story, and I'm afraid that a Pern movie would be no exception. __This story is rated K-plus, but the language is all K, and there's nothing here that you wouldn't see in the daily news (unfortunately)._

**o**

**New Lie Cinemas presents**

**The Dragonriders of Pern**

**Inspired by the book "Dragonflight" by Anne McCaffrey**

Lessa (played by Ariana Grande) awakes early and begins her daily acts of resistance aimed at Ruatha Hold, which is held against the will of the people by the oppressive white male overlord Fax. The dragon riders arrive, led by F'lar (played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) on his mighty dragon Mnementh (played by Elliott from the rebooted "Pete's Dragon"). He announces that he is searching for suitable candidates for Weyrwoman; they need a young woman to pair off with the gold dragon that will soon hatch. Lessa coldly informs him that this is sexist, binary thinking, and the gold dragon can pair off with anyone she pleases, assuming that the gold dragon self-identifies as female.

Lord Fax (played by Tom Hiddleston) arrives, oozing toxic masculinity, accompanied by his barefoot, pregnant wife, Lady Gemma (played by Lori Loughlin). F'lar mansplains the goals of his search to her, to which Fax says, "Over my dead body!" He gets his wish in a dramatic, prolonged sword fight filled with stunts and wild camera angles, set to a deafening soundtrack. Gemma gives birth and dies in the middle of the fight, but the men pay her no notice, because to them, she's just a woman. F'lar announces that the newborn boy should be named the new ruler of Ruatha, in accordance with ancient patriarchal traditions. Lessa says she is better qualified to rule Ruatha because she is an oppressed woman. F'lar suggests that she could use her abilities to help more people if she became Weyrwoman instead. She laughs at his transparent attempt to manipulate her, but decides to go to Benden Weyr anyway, because the people there need to learn the benefits of socialism and she is well-qualified to teach them.

At the Weyr, F'lar attempts to take Lessa into his personal quarters. She pulls a knife and tells him that she doesn't need a man to take care of her, and she'd rather sleep with the watch-wher. He shrugs and backs off, and begins to respect her as a person. He confers with his closeted domestic partner F'nor (played by Jim Parsons) about the future arrival of Thread on Pern, which no one else believes will happen. Then the dragon eggs start to hatch. Each dragon selects a rider from the young men, women, and other persons who are gathered for that purpose, showing a strong preference for minorities with high intersectionality, so that the group of new riders is properly diverse. Then the gold egg hatches. The new queen dragon, Ramoth (played by Saphira from "Inheritance Cycle"), takes a minute to lecture the Weyrfolk that they should not assume that she is female just because she appears female on the outside. Then she chooses Lessa as her partner, commending her as the most "woke" of the young persons presented to her. There is a big party afterwards, where everyone enjoys vegan meatless rolls and locally-sourced klah.

Lessa becomes Weyrwoman, takes over the leadership of Benden Weyr from the tradition-bound men who were running it, and begins transforming it with her progressive values. Her first priorities are to eliminate the micro-aggressions committed by the riders against the underprivileged workers in the Lower Caverns, and to raise the minimum wage for the drudges. The Lord Holders march against the Weyr, waving their rainbow flags and demanding an end to the tithes that they are forced to pay under the archaic rules of their society. They have formed a BDS movement (Break the Dragonriders' System) and they will not compromise with an unjust regime. Lessa not only accedes to their demands, but decides to pay them reparations. This pleases the Lord Holders so much that they agree to end their patriarchal rule and let their Holds govern themselves by simple majority vote.

It is time for Ramoth's first mating flight, in which she will celebrate her liberation from traditional morals by joining the Mile-High Club with the dragon of her choice. She looks at the bronze dragons who hope to catch her in the air, which include Mnementh, Orth (played by Drogon from "A Game of Thrones"), and Hath (played by Toothless from "How to Train Your Dragon"), and angrily demands to know why she is expected to choose a privileged cisgendered male. _Where are all the LGBTQ dragons?_ she asks. _Why can I not fly with a green dragon for a change? I will call it the Green New Deal_. No one can give her a politically correct answer, so Ramoth flies away in the other direction, seemingly rejecting all the bronze dragons. They chase her anyway, driven by hormones instead of rational thought, like typical males. Mnementh protests that he flew all the way from Igen's burning sands for this flight. She hears "burning sands" and thinks he said "Bernie Sanders," who is her hero, so she graciously allows him to catch her. F'lar uses the opportunity to try to force himself on Lessa, but her response leaves him walking bow-legged for days. In a dramatic early-morning scene, F'lar stands next to the Star Stones, looking at the rising Red Star and re-evaluating his life. At last, he makes his decision: he takes off his leather flying helmet, puts on a pink pussy hat, and becomes a social justice warrior. Now that he is finally showing signs of enlightenment, Lessa beds him.

Lessa and Ramoth learn to fly together. By accident, they learn that they can travel back in time. While experimenting with this new ability, they wind up altering Lessa's own past. She watches in horror as Fax wins control of Ruatha even though he lost the popular vote, then lowers the tax rates and won't allow any migrant workers into the land, while the Antifa (which is short for Anti-Fax) does nothing because she is there, watching but not calling for resistance. She is badly shaken by this experience, and has to retreat to her safe space for the rest of the day.

She and F'lar call a meeting of the leaders of Pern to discuss climate change. Among the principal speakers are the Masterharper Robintona (played by Beyonce), the Mastersmith Fandarella (played by Oprah Winfrey), and the Mastersocialist Karlamarx (played by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in a cameo appearance). The meeting gets off to a rocky start when Karlamarx accuses F'lar of manspreading on the benches. Robintona appeals for unity by singing the soundtrack's big hit song, "Conservatives Are 'Dragon' Me Down." They agree that helping the homeless (or Holdless, as they are called) should take priority over anything else that is happening on Pern. They also agree to shut down the coal mines of Crom and switch to wind power. F'lar chooses this time to publicly proclaim his bisexuality, to universal approval.

They learn that Thread, a destructive alien life form, has begun falling on Pern after a four-hundred-year respite. The former Lord Holders think that screaming at the sky will help, so they do. The dragon riders announce that, according to longstanding tradition, they need to ride their dragons and burn the Thread out of the sky. Lessa rebukes them for their unenlightened thinking – "We don't have the right to punish these undocumented immigrants from space! They just want a better life!" F'lar adds that the fire from dozens of dragons will pump dangerous amounts of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. But the riders answer, "That's _your_ truth," and they fly away on their mission of death, chanting, "We'll kill them all!" To those left behind on the ground, it sounds like they are saying, "We'll build a wall!"

Lessa and Ramoth decide to resolve the misunderstanding by flying back 400 years in time. There, they meet with the Thread Queen (voiced by Ellen DeGeneres) and have a peaceful discussion over avocado toast and Benden wine. It turns out that the Threads are simply obeying their nature to fall from space and devour things, and it would be cruel to try to stop them. They know that it's wrong to damage the environment, but, being two-dimensional life forms, they cannot perceive the harm they are doing to the three-dimensional world. Lessa suggests that they land only on the Southern Continent, whose strong ecology, uncorrupted by malign human influence, will quickly repair itself after the Thread has completed its life cycle. The Thread Queen agrees, thus de-escalating the conflict peacefully. Lessa also encounters several hundred social-justice warriors and community organizers who are eager to live in a time when views like hers are commonplace. They agree to fly forward into the future with her.

When Lessa returns to her own time, she finds that the dragon riders could not kill any Thread because there isn't any. It is all falling over Southern now, and is working out a new symbiosis with the grubs that populate that land. Lessa is hailed as a hero for bringing peace and saving the world, which gives her a free hand in transforming Pern from a medieval society into a socialist paradise.

_THE END_

**o**

_A/N  
To the guest reviewer known as "Bad take OP" who sent me a review calling me a fascist: thank you. You made my day. I decline to say why, but please believe me when I say that such an insult, from some people, can be taken as high praise._


End file.
